There is a foundation being laid right now in the person I am and who I will become, and I don’t want to miss this breaking of new ground.
For many years, the loudest voice in my mind spoke with hate. I thought everyone else was wired the same way—driven by such a profound dissatisfaction for who you are, that it drives you to pursue a kind of perfection that always just manages to slip through your fingers.
I only went after things that I knew I could shape to close flawlessness and shunned anything I was not good at, even if I enjoyed them. I refused to fail big, and I never did, but only because I hardly put myself in tight spots where I could risk making a mistake.
My days began and ended in contradiction: waking up eager to portray a life worth admiring, riding on a temporal bliss of having done just that, but still going to bed feeling like there was still so much I could do better and drilling in my head everything that I needed to make up for the next day.
I wonder if, back then, I chose to listen to my loud self-critic, because it was easier than listening to the truth slowly forming at the back of my mind: that self-improvement was not going to answer what my heart really needed.